syd.

alienation.

i guess i just don’t care what your belief system, sexual orientation, skin color, body weight, favorite hobby, or etc. is. if you’re a cool person, i’m cool with you.

the fact that people discriminate against one another because of these stupid, small things… i just don’t get it. we’re all human beings. we all hurt, just like we can all experience inexplicable happiness. let’s contribute to that happiness and leave the hurt behind, shall we? it can be as simple as finding one thing you like in another person you normally wouldn’t be fond of and focusing on it until that “like” grows into “love.” because in the end, we are only left with what and whom we loved. hate will get you nowhere. so why bother?

several things.

firstly, i cannot wait to go back to school. i am blessed to have my hometown and i hold my friends here dear to my heart… but getting out now seems essential for ever wanting to come back again.

secondly, i cannot comprehend love. i never have been able to and i doubt i ever will. i can participate freely and exuberantly, but when reflecting upon my inability to truly understand it, i do not know whether this is good or bad.

thirdly, i’m extremely tired of putting on a show, feeling bad for things that i cannot control, and being unhappy. if i was put on this earth to be unhappy and fake being okay and feel like a worthless spirit because of things that are out of my control then my existence would be unnecessary. and judging by the people in my life who love me and whom i adore, i am not unnecessary. therefore, i am walking away from it all.

fourthly, and most importantly, i am finally getting to a point where it does not cause me physical pain to be touched. this gives me a happiness that can only be described as inexplicable. i am not a scared seven year old anymore. i am a twenty year old grown woman, strong, full of desires and hopes. fingers in the dark will not haunt me anymore. i have broken every last one of them… and i am moving on.

20.

two decades! dang. here’s a few pieces of wisdom i have collected thus far.

1. don’t ever try to change a man… if they are supposed to change drastically for you then they were not supposed to be yours in the first place.

2. even more than that, don’t worry about searching for love. just truly, fully live. hope that he or she truly lives as well instead of desperately thirsting for a love that may in fact never come. after all, it isn’t everything. and if you pin all your hopes and everything you have upon it, in the end, you will have nothing left for anyone else.

3. if real, fiery, magnetic love comes along, free yourself of any inhibitions and any hinderances. this may never happen again.

4. the human body is significantly majestic - in all its flaws, perfections, and oddities alike. respect it. it was given to you exactly as it is for a reason.

5. you very rarely find people who cherish you for whatever you are. once you find them, hold onto them through hell and high water. they will save your life every single day.

6. allow yourself to need saving. we all need it and there is no shame in that. interdependency is gorgeous.

7. there is one song on the planet that will make your heart somersault the way the sight of his or her lips do. don’t overplay it. you want to have that feeling, fresh and sharp, when you are 80 years old and living solely off of memories.

8. make it to 80. don’t you dare give up.

9. ignorance to the pursuit of knowledge will get you nowhere. strive to be an integral part of the great evolution of our race and seize every nugget of information you can.

10. passion. cultivate it. you will experience nothing else that holds a candle to it. passion… if it is the last or only thing you do, cultivate it.

11. whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you’ve come from, remember that love among one another is the only way we will not become machines. let yourself be vulnerable. let yourself be tender and open. everything will hurt more, yes… but you will be sent farther over the moon than you ever would if you were cold and closed.

12. strength is not the same as a hard heart. strength is being courageous enough to love someone, knowing that one day, they will be gone. strength is walking tall and dignified, not running and crawling to grace’s water after months in the dry desert. kneel. do not collapse. breathe. do not gasp. taste. do not gorge. listen. do not ignore. 

13. it is perfectly fine to be weak. do not be ashamed when someone has to carry you. be grateful. you are just as much help to them as they are to you.

14. no matter how much life you have lived, how many years you have conquered, endured and seen, remember that there are always opportunities to listen and to learn. we all see things in a unique way. your eyes may be opened up by a seven year old just as significantly as they would by a 1,000 year old.

i thought i could get to 20, but i suppose we never know as much as we think we do in the end. 

Hey Lady

At the mall.
Walking super fast.
That just pushed me out of the way.
While balancing a Starbucks cup, iPad, and Nordstrom’s shopping bag in your perfectly manicured hands.
Don’t trip in those six inch heels sugar.

‘Cause I’ll laugh.

used to.

what a phrase.

why don’t you still?

why not now? today?

used to. i used to love him. i used to idolize her. she used to love me. he used to be my best friend. we used to stay up until 5 in the morning. we used to drive down those roads while the sun would rise. we used to barrel our way through the soccer fields as the sprinklers came on, pushing us further and further away from that bright red tent and all of our precious finds from the night before: wreaths made of buttercups. grocery bags full of dandelions. that single four-leaf clover. the turquoise ring you gave me.

oh my god, we used to! we used to love. we used to tear ourselves open just to feel. we used to be so glorious. so fearless. where have they gone… those souls? it took so long to cultivate them. why did we just throw them away? why does “used to” have to exist? why do we abandon things that mean so much to us?

summer wind always pulls me deep into the ever nostalgic caverns of my head. and i am content to be lost there as i lay in the sun, because today is not what days used to be. i yearn for love in a way that hurts, not in a way that fills me. not in the way we used to.

oh my god, we used to… 

come back to me, passionate bones, passionate vocal chords, passionate eyelashes, come back to me.